Magicwand By Aishwarya Deshpande

Something I felt like sharing today. If you have ever felt the same, comment in the section below! I know I am not alone. It took a lot of courage to write this. I have never known how to feel about this one. Still figuring it out. Withdrawal. Its been almost a year and a half. I haven't gone back to it. I don't think I will anytime soon. Something I have been doing since the age of 6. Twice every week! Sometimes more! Tours, shows, exams, rehearsals. Katthak (The Indian Classical Dance Style) has been a very intricate part of my life. However, among all the things I did in the past 15 years, I don't want to even slightly touch that side of my life anymore. This is the biggest withdrawal I have experienced. I don't want to see it, Practice it, or even talk about it. I know writing has always helped me. In expressing my every feeling. This withdrawal is a long one. What do I do?? Do I still bring myself to do it even though I know I don't...

Life is incomplete without mistakes. Some mistakes are healthy. Some still give me nightmares. However each one of them gave me some outlook. Some learning. Some knowledge. Taking about a mistake, Its still a part of my personality in some bits and corners.  Comparing.  Comparing myself with the world. Comparing myself with others. Comparing myself with 'ideal' norms. In this question of 'Who am I?', this mistake I know I make. I have compared myself to my sibling, to my girl friends, to my boy friends, to my colleagues. I wanted to be powerful like my brother. I wanted to be girly like her in late childhood. Smart in my 10th and 12th grade like many others in school. Thin like many others in teenage. Mature like a few in adulthood. I have tried being all of them. And every time I tried, I failed and gave myself a hard time. Beat myself to it. Sometimes still do.  In the situation, when i feel the need to compare myself to anyone.  I don't realize t...

The first thing I faced as a challenge. As a kid and as an adult was saying 'NO'. Saying NO because my authentic self said 'no'. I tried many ways. The first was - Lying ! "Hey Ash, I really need help for my assignment tonight. Will you be able to come over? "Hey! Oh no! I have 102° fever! Bed-ridden since yesterday :( I wish I could move.. I would have literally run to you!" This worked out pretty well. However, the fear of being caught dominated my mind the next few hours. Maybe lie once or twice more to cover up the first one. Oh wait, lets make a story out of it, that will be more convincing. The second was blaming someone/something else.  "Hey! I really really want to but my mom is taking me to a family get-together".  She is hard to convince! You know her". (Sorry Mommy) Or  "Hey! I really want to but my laptop just crashed! I am in the shop getting it done". The situations were ...

It is hard. Being yourself is hard. We humans constantly try to twist ourselves to adapt to the world. I am an extrovert. However, I should not be too loud. I am an introvert. However, I should go out there and have a life. Why? Why do we want to fit in so much? If I be loud, people won't like me. If I go out there, I won't fall lonely. In this world full of love and hate do we focus more on the negatives? Insecurities? Hate? And to avoid the anxiety, we land with the idea of twisting. When we try to fit in so hard, do we feel happy? We lose a bit of ourselves every time we twist. Is it worth losing ourselves, just to get adapted in what the world says? It is a sacrifice, indeed it is. So what do we do? After a lot of digging in, I felt this. Twisting is great. For the ideas that you feel are worthy of this sacrifice. For the people that are close, we twist a little for them to feel better. But when we do it, the feeling is happy rather than a sacrifice....

This question is a tough one. Who am I?  Not just for me I am sure.  When will I know? Will I ever know? or never know? Maybe I can start with the basics. I am Aishwarya and I am from India. I am currently living in a small town named Derby in England for my masters. Pursuing Dance Movement Psychotherapy. Sounds interesting? Indeed it is! The journey of knowing who I am is difficult. Its a confusion, hence I prefer to stick to the basics! Although I want to know who I am, maybe this is the way I can find?  Am I the only one who doesn't know the answer to the above question?  Maybe I am what my career is.. no, maybe I am what my demographics is..no,. maybe I am what my future is? Maybe I am what this blog is? I know. A lot of question marks. Its a fog out there.  For every human being who wants to know who you are, how about taking it slowly.. one step at a time. I am here to hold your hand. Because believe me, nobody knows..who they are! ...